From a Distance
by friendoftheearth
Summary: Follow on from The Hill


_My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work._

_From A Distance_

_I thought, I believed that when I closed my eyes, it would all be over, that I'd fall asleep, drift off into the darkness, become a part of the nothingness, that I would be no more, that there was no more. _

_I was wrong... so very wrong._

_It had taken a little while for the drugs to take effect, and as time passed, I felt the odd moment of panic. I was scared it wasn't going to work, that I hadn't ingested enough, that I'd have to do it all again, put Aaron and my mum through it all again. _

_They were crying, so was I, and love-filled words were flowing as easily as the tears. There was so much love in that room... and it's that love that keeps on bringing me back. _

_Still, I can't forget what was skulking in the shadows ... hate. I hated myself for what I was doing to them, but I held tightly to the belief they would grieve and move on. _

_He'd fought so very hard to change my mind, only for me to force his hand. __Knowing now the anguish, the pain, the nightmare that were to follow, would I have instead endured the hell my life had become? No, but only because, from here, I see things clearly, I see what could have been and what will now be... I see the road ahead, I see their every step, I know their journey's end. _

_The drowsiness seemed to come out of nowhere and it caught me unawares, my tears stopped falling, my eyes refused to open, the thundering in my chest grew distant, just like their voices, it grew ever fainter until finally it ceased._

_Then suddenly, I was standing there, yes, standing! I found myself looking down on the two people I loved most in the world, them and the empty shell of the man I used to be. _

_I watched Aaron run from the room, tears blinding him. Through her tears, my mum was singing to me, her voice soft and low, her arms wrapped tightly around me, her face pressed against mine... and I could actually feel her, her warmth, her love... so, too, her sorrow._

_I wanted to hold her, I wanted to comfort her just like I wanted to comfort Aaron but I, like they will too in time, had moved on, and for a while, for a brief moment in eternity, I am lost to them. _

_The veil between us is fine like gossamer; I slip in and out so easily, like a butterfly I flit between the two realms. In one, I know peace, in the other, I know heartache... but even then it's not mine. _

_He is so lost without me, but he's trying to be strong... and he will be for a while, but then he's going to falter... he's going to stumble, he's going to fall... he's going to succumb to the crux that is doubt... and then he'll pick himself up... walk the uneven, winding path that lies ahead of him, and for a little while he'll walk alone._

_Painful, emotion-filled days, endless reasoning, they're left weary by the storm that surrounds them. I watch them battle through, run the gauntlet of questions, of suspicion, __of lies.__They are each other's strength, but that too will ebb. _

_The spectre, the dark presence... my father! All I ever wanted was for him to accept me, to accept the choices I made, to see they were right for me. But he's blinded by grief... why is he so hard? Why is he so cruel? He will never understand, he will never forgive, that bitterness will fester within him until he too dies, only then will his heart lighten, only then will it fly free like mine. _

_Aaron's rocked by the charge, Paddy and Chas equally as devastated, mum bears the brunt of their anger, she stands strong but alone, and again I wish I could comfort her._

_I sit with him; I watch his tears fall, his shoulders shake as sorrow wracks his frame. I stand beside him and watch him pound the holding cell door, hear him plead for release. __His heart is breaking, shattered by the four walls keeping him from saying goodbye. _

_If only he knew it wasn't really goodbye... _

_It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, birdsong fills the air, and the truth is spoken by my own lips. But some will choose not to listen, or simply just to ignore._

_I move between them, of no comfort to either, it's all I can do, but one day they will know that I was there. _

_A silent toast at the graveside, one last night together, at least in sleep he shares in my peace. I watch over him, keep him safe, keep him warm._

_It's hard to see him like this even though I know he will eventually win through. It's all so mixed up in his head, it's become so distorted, he hates himself, he actually wants to hear the word 'guilty' but he won't, justice will be done... done the hard way, and it will take its toll. _

_He will leave the court a free man but with his soul imprisoned by guilt. _

_The darkest time is yet to come, he will lose his way, stray off the path, wander into treacherous territory. All that anger, pain and self hatred can't be contained; it can't be boxed and tidied away. It has a voice, it won't be silenced, it will be heard. _

_He lashes out, he rages at the world, some days he wants to forget, some days he wants to turn back time... but most of all, he wants to stop hurting... I want him to stop hurting._

_I see him slice into his own flesh, each cut, each wound a transient sense of release... in time, he will see it's not the answer, in time, he will see that it's wrong, and he will take the help offered him. _

_She loves him, she means well, she just doesn't know how to let go. He struggles, he weakens, but he can't please everyone, this time he has to put himself first._

_A tearful farewell, a wise but painful decision, but the bond won't be broken; it will always remain, it will stand strong against the winds of time, just like the marble stone that bares my name._

_I see a difference in him, not just in the smile on his face or the light in his eyes. No, this runs much deeper, he really is moving on, and just around the corner... waiting for him... a chance of happiness._

_I can but watch in awe the gentle hand of Providence._

_I like him, he's tall, dark and handsome, so what gay man would not? But it's his inner qualities that hold my attention, that draw me to him. He's a good man, the sort of man Aaron needs in his life. _

_It's almost painful to watch, Aaron is clueless, he manages to somehow give off all the wrong signals but Ed, well, it seems he doesn't give up easily, he's a man who knows what he wants. _

_He's nervous, his tongue trips over almost every word. I will him on, I want him to be happy, he deserves to be happy._

_Finally, eyes and hearts are opened... I turn away before they kiss, I slip through the invisible veil, knowing I've trespassed a little too long on their privacy as it is. _

_There's a rocky patch up ahead, a steep hill to climb, but they'll make it to the top, the world then at their feet, and I'll be watching them take their first steps into their long life together... only this time from a distance._

_End_


End file.
